Consider Yourself Warned

Residents of Upstate SC: This is NOT a test! This is a broadcast of the Emergency Bread and Milk Warning System. The National Weather Service is calling for freezing rain tomorrow night, so proceed IMMEDIATELY to your nearest grocery store to CLEAN THEM OUT of bread and milk. Take whatever you can find — loaf bread, dinner rolls, hot dog buns, that yummy cinnamon swirl breakfast bread, whole milk, 2% milk, 1% milk, 0.375% milk, soy milk, goat’s milk, chocolate milk, powdered milk… whatever, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! We have NO IDEA if the stuff is really gonna freeze, so no matter what your plans are tomorrow, drop EVERYTHING and get to the store to stock up on these EXTREMELY PERISHABLE items.

And for God’s sake, LEAVE THE TOILET PAPER! Who needs that when you could be couped up FOR DAYS!


7 thoughts on “Consider Yourself Warned

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  1. i’ve always wondered why people cooped up in their houses for days at a time because of the icy weather always seemed to have this “milk and bread” fetish.

    i mean, damn.

    if i’m locked in my house for days on end, with no way to get out, the last damn thing i want is to have nothing but milk and bread to eat.

    shit…i want pepsi, little debbie’s devil squares, ruffles potato chips, vodka, campbells soup, bologna, chef boyardee…not 2 slices of loaf bread and a glass of fucking milk.

    even if you don’t have power, do you have any idea how much cooking you can do on top of a kerosene heater?!?!

    enough where you’ll sure as hell wish you had something to eat other then a loaf of sunbeam bread and a jug of peelers i can tell you that.

    southern people are crazy…and god help me i’m one of them.


  2. Almost every time there’s been a “storm” like this in the eight years I’ve lived down here, my household’s actual need for bread and milk has coincided with it. So I find myself at Bi-Lo buying these staples of survival alongside nervous people who look in my basket and smile knowingly at me.

    It’s kind of nice, actually; we’re all just people trying to survive a storm with bread and milk. Come to think of it, I like the Bi-Lo trips. Maybe I’ll drop in today, even though we’re all set.


  3. LMAO, my mother was born and raised in NJ, my husband was born and raised in NY. Between the 2 of them, should we find ourselves in desperate need of bread and/or milk AFTER it snows, we figure one of them can make it the 1/2 mile to Bi-Lo, so we usually skip the mad dash to the store and the wild bread brawls that happen there.

    What gets me is the gas pumps… why in hell does everyone run to the gas station when they know damn well they won’t leave their house until the snow melts?



  4. I’m with cinlach on this one. Growing up in northern WI, I don’t recall mad dashes to the grocery store (which was 30 minutes away!). Most of the people I knew bought a month’s worth of food when they went shopping to avoid such hysterics.

    But if winter was really bad… you’d be amazed at how a mix of potato chips, vodka and campbells soup really hits the spot… kids love it!


  5. Ha! Have you tried that with your own kids yet, Matt? 😆

    Incidentally, when we went to the grocery store Thursday evening (it actually didn’t lose power), and got some snacking goodies! 😀


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