Residents of Upstate SC: This is NOT a test! This is a broadcast of the Emergency Bread and Milk Warning System. The National Weather Service is calling for freezing rain tomorrow night, so proceed IMMEDIATELY to your nearest grocery store to CLEAN THEM OUT of bread and milk. Take whatever you can find — loaf bread, dinner rolls, hot dog buns, that yummy cinnamon swirl breakfast bread, whole milk, 2% milk, 1% milk, 0.375% milk, soy milk, goat’s milk, chocolate milk, powdered milk… whatever, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! We have NO IDEA if the stuff is really gonna freeze, so no matter what your plans are tomorrow, drop EVERYTHING and get to the store to stock up on these EXTREMELY PERISHABLE items.
And for God’s sake, LEAVE THE TOILET PAPER! Who needs that when you could be couped up FOR DAYS!