Ok, I’ve let things slide here, and I want to explain what’s been going on.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depression for five years now. Most of the time it’s totally manageable with medication and a monthly therapy visit, but there have been times, especially since January 2005, where I feel totally overwhelmed and on the verge of losing my mind.
The first and foremost thing is, I hate my job. I like the people I work with (well, most of them), but the job is so monotonous and mind-numbing. I feel like I contribute nothing at all. I’m simply there to make the numbers factory look good, and other than that, The Power That Be could care less. On top of all that, we’re swamped right now, working nine-hour days, and I’ve just worked my third Saturday in a row.
Next thing is my health, I went for my yearly physical a month ago, and my blood sugar was slightly elevated. A glucose tolerance test came back slightly abnormal, so now I have to drop weight. I have to go back around the end of January a little lighter for more bloodwork to see if things have improved. (Nothing like trying to lose weight during the most fattening time of the year.) There’s no history of diabetes in my family, so I know the blood sugar levels are related to my weight and diet.
So I feel this pressure to get in all my hours at work, but I know that I have to work on a healthier lifestyle. Exercising for me works better first thing in the morning because I don’t get home early enough to do it at night — especially working nine-hour days. To actually be up by 5:00 am to work out, I really need to be in bed by 10:00 the night before. If I’m working nine-hour days, I don’t get home until 6:30, which means I’m eating less than three hours before I go to bed. It’s a merry-go-round that’s anything but merry.
In the midst of all this, I’ve wanted to write. I’ve tried to write. I’ve put this pressure on myself to write, but nothing comes. I’ve had work to do for the animation project, and I signed up for NaNoWriMo. Both assignments have fallen by the wayside. I haven’t felt like posting here or at the other blogs I’ve contributed to in the past. In light of all this, I resigned (so to speak) from my weekly post at Write Stuff.
I feel as if I’m not really living my life — I’m just trying to hang on. So, I haven’t really felt witty, not that I’m extraordinarily amusing to begin with, but whatever.
So I hope those of you that have stuck around don’t mind my little venture into wallowing in self-pity. I’m trying to claw my way out. I’ve had to focus on two main things — my job situation and my health.
In the meantime, I’ll try to post as often as I can. Please hang with me, and thanks for stopping by.