Before I End Up on the Side of a Milk Carton

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Ok, I’ve let things slide here, and I want to explain what’s been going on.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depression for five years now. Most of the time it’s totally manageable with medication and a monthly therapy visit, but there have been times, especially since January 2005, where I feel totally overwhelmed and on the verge of losing my mind.

The first and foremost thing is, I hate my job. I like the people I work with (well, most of them), but the job is so monotonous and mind-numbing. I feel like I contribute nothing at all. I’m simply there to make the numbers factory look good, and other than that, The Power That Be could care less. On top of all that, we’re swamped right now, working nine-hour days, and I’ve just worked my third Saturday in a row.

Next thing is my health, I went for my yearly physical a month ago, and my blood sugar was slightly elevated. A glucose tolerance test came back slightly abnormal, so now I have to drop weight. I have to go back around the end of January a little lighter for more bloodwork to see if things have improved. (Nothing like trying to lose weight during  the most fattening time of the year.) There’s no history of diabetes in my family, so I know the blood sugar levels are related to my weight and diet.

So I feel this pressure to get in all my hours at work, but I know that I have to work on a healthier lifestyle. Exercising for me works better first thing in the morning because I don’t get home early enough to do it at night — especially working nine-hour days. To actually be up by 5:00 am to work out, I really need to be in bed by 10:00 the night before. If I’m working nine-hour days, I don’t get home until 6:30, which means I’m eating less than three hours before I go to bed. It’s a merry-go-round that’s anything but merry.

In the midst of all this, I’ve wanted to write. I’ve tried to write. I’ve put this pressure on myself to write, but nothing comes. I’ve had work to do for the animation project, and I signed up for NaNoWriMo. Both assignments have fallen by the wayside. I haven’t felt like posting here or at the other blogs I’ve contributed to in the past. In light of all this, I resigned (so to speak) from my weekly post at Write Stuff.

I feel as if I’m not really living my life — I’m just trying to hang on. So, I haven’t really felt witty, not that I’m extraordinarily amusing to begin with, but whatever.

So I hope those of you that have stuck around don’t mind my little venture into wallowing in self-pity. I’m trying to claw my way out. I’ve had to focus on two main things — my job situation and my health.

In the meantime, I’ll try to post as often as I can. Please hang with me, and thanks for stopping by.

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5 thoughts on “Before I End Up on the Side of a Milk Carton

  1. Aww, I’m sorry. That really sounds like a lot to take on, and really makes my busyness sound trivial. I hope all turns out ok, and hopefully you’ll get to relax soon. Don’t worry about the vent. Everyone needs to do that now and then.

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  2. Jesse

    Hi. I found your blog a few weeks ago while looking for something completely unrelated (computer software called “Sappy”) and ended up bookmarking it after reading a bit and finding one of the probably ten intelligent and interesting people online. I meant to leave some kind of message then, but had nothing substantial to say. I think I do now, though.

    I can relate to feeling completely insignificant at work; heck, I bag groceries. I can also relate to dealing with anxiety, since I’ve been dealing with it all my life to some degree or other. The two in combination can make for a lot of fear and resentment, and when combined with everything else that’s going on…I’m sure it’s all incredibly tiresome for you.

    The last thing you need to be concerned with (which, fittingly enough, is the last topic you cover in your post) is us and our opinions of your “venture into wallowing in self-pity.” I’m sure your readers aren’t giving you a Wittiness Grade based on performance or coming here solely expecting to be entertained; in fact, I’m sure most of us are sympathetic (or empathetic) and would gladly help relieve any stress possible. You don’t owe us anything, so don’t let your lack of literary output lately bring you further down–if anything, it’ll make your next work that much more significant. Just be patient and things will work themselves out.

    And that’s my four cents. My apologies for rambling at such length.

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  3. Hey, girl. I’ve been reading your blog very off and on…I read Chad’s blog and do 12×12 too. (But not often…I have a boring life and don’t always want to show that off.)

    Anyway, what I’m writing about right now is that I feel for you. Depression? check. Anxiety? check. Can’t write? check. HATE THE JOB? check. Hating the job causing the depression, anxiety and stopping the writing? check.

    Advice: FIND ANOTHER JOB, EVEN IF IT’S BAGGING GROCERIES. Can’t find a job because you are so depressed you’ve come to a halt…can you just quit? Can you squeak by for a little bit? Spending 9 to 10 hours a day doing something that makes you feel worthless is the quickest way to the funny farm that anyone ever invented.

    Credentials to give such advice: I was in the same boat. I stayed at the job I hated because I could…I knew it backwards and forwards, which allowed me some flexibility to take take care of ailing family members. Still…hating the job led to depression, which led to bad work habits, which led, eventually, to being laid off. WHICH IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED! Luckily, they gave me 3 months severance, so I had a cushion, but still. It felt like a kick in the gut, but it allowed me the freedom to rearrange my life. And now things are much better. I’m off the depression meds. (Not losing weight yet, though.)

    Really, good luck to you. I’ll say a prayer for you. I know what you are fighting through and I do know that things will get better with time. (What pap, you say! Still, these comments are meant to encourage and let you know that you have an audience.)

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  4. Hello, glad I stopped by today for I want to add a few words to those of other people who have taken the time. I agree: find a new job. You can do it. Take the risk and you will be the better for it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Check your spiritual life and if it needs improvement, do a bit of work there. Take a walk, clear your head, smile at people in the mall or in the car next yours on the stalled freeway. Know that everyone goes through bad times. You can make it. You will.

    I wish you joy and every blessing.

    Shirley Buxton
    http://www.writenow.wordpress.com

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