The Whistling Just Makes You Think It’s Innocent

As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve had a regular date with a treadmill for some daily torture in an effort to focus on doing things for myself. I think sitting on the couch with this laptop is great for me; however, my therapist feels that I need to actually get off my ass to accomplish this goal. Pffffft… whatever.

Kidding… I’m going back and feeling great and losing a couple of pounds and all that good stuff, but I came across a disturbing revelation yesterday. I’ve been arriving at the gym at around 2:30 pm, and this gym is a cool one with TVs mounted in front of the cardio equipment. So I just plug in my iPod shuffle and read the closed-captioning, and that 42-minute workout flies by… for the most part.

The TV I’ve been watching for the past few days has been set on the local NBC channel. You soap fans probably know that the 2:00 slot used to be for the show Passions, but now that show has been pushed off to the DirecTV channel on my service. So no witches and dwarf wizards and visits from Satan for me. Our local NBC station chooses to show two episodes of The Andy Griffith Show — full of down-home, good, clean humor, right?

WRONG! Let me tell you something about Sheriff Griffith and those country bumpkins of Mayberry — they’re swingers! That’s right… the only thing missing is the bowl with the car keys.

At the beginning of the episode I watched yesterday, Andy and his girlfriend, Ellie, (or maybe it’s Eileen, I don’t remember), and Barney and his date, Thelma Lou, were chillin’ at Andy’s crib as he laid down some tracks with his guitar. (Please excuse the hip-hop slang there; it’s late as I’m writing this.) Barney starts yammering on about something when Andy tells him to shut his trap because he’s ready to spend some quality time with Ellie.

I’m marching away on the treadmill thinking, “Oh, ha! Andy’s trying to tell Barney and his date to scram.”

But no, he isn’t. Then the power flickers, and Barney’s like, “What’s that?”

“A power failure,” says Ellie. (Which honestly, do you think a country bumpkin from small town NC is going to say “power failure”?)

Barney says something about it being annoying, but Andy says, “I don’t know. I think it’s kind of romantic.” And then he’s snuggling with his girl.

Then the lights come back on, and Barney has moved from his spot next to Thelma Lou to the couch where Andy and Ellie are sitting.

So, as I’m still plugging along on the treadmill, I start to chuckle to myself, “Oh, ho, that Barney, he’s a funny one.” Then, I’m like, “Wait… were they gonna make out in front… they were! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

Oh, yes, that’s right, a whole foursome thing going on there. I was deeply, deeply disturbed. I’m not really a PDA type of person, although I can get a little happy with the hands with I’m a little tipsy, but don’t tell Cinlach. He’ll get jealous.

Kidding, hon!

Anyhoo, holding hands, arm in arm, and slow dancing are fine — of course, slow dancing doesn’t happen often for me because that’s one of Cinlach’s personal seven sins. But full-on making out in front of someone else is an avoidance that developed after high school. It’s forgivable when you’re young because of the lack of places where you can make out; however, as adults, we’ve all got our own homes, and they have doors behind which all that should happen.

Needless to say, that episode has really changed my opinion about The Andy Griffith Show. I’m just grateful the camera didn’t pan around to find Aunt Bea straddling Floyd the Barber. The lady working at the gym’s front desk would have had to grab the defibrillator because I would have simply dropped dead.

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