I’m not sure if you’ve spoken much to your older brother 2013, (I actually quit speaking to him in August.) but let me tell you that you’ve got a lot to make up for. Sorry to put that kind of pressure on you, but 2013 was one of the shittiest years on record. He was shittier than the year of June 1994-June 1995, but it’s still a toss-up as to whether he was worse than 2010. 2010 sent me back to therapy and medication and has been dubbed “The Year That Cannot Be Named,” so he hasn’t quite hit that achievement.
You see, 2013 was all tricksy and things started out just dandy. The Husband and I went to Charlotte in February to see his all-time favorite NASCAR driver, Rusty Wallace, get inducted in the Hall of Fame. Not only did he meet his idol, but he also got to meet several other racing legends as well. And you haven’t been entertained until you see The Husband do his happy dance. There was much happiness and much dancing and much entertainment.
But faster than you can say “ha HA!”, 2013 pulled the rug out from under me in April with a speeding ticket and broken tooth IN THE SAME WEEK! And? On the morning I was supposed to get my root canal (oh yes, root canal AND crown), I came down with the frakkin’ Stomach Virapocalypse of 2013! Forty-eight hours of bodily functions from both ends. Oh what fun…
Then in May, he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry about April, here — here’s a promotion for The Husband with a nice raise.” And I’m all, “Thanks, 2013!” Then he was like, “No problem! Oh, by the way, your mom probably has ovarian cancer.”
But then in June, we found out that Mom was okay, so The Husband and I did our yearly trek to the Heroes Convention in Charlotte and had a good time. Of course, this month also started The Wettest Summer. Ever. (Okay, perhaps not ever. But if you ask my friend whose condo flooded twice and totaled her car each time? She would totally agree with me.)
In July, your douchebag sibling sent things downhill quickly. Mom was okay, but Dad got diagnosed with lymphoma. The Husband’s grandmother also took a turn for the worse, and he had to spend his weeknights taking care of her because his mom and brothers worked in the evenings and were gone until 11:00 or later. That meant seeing him (awake) for less than an hour a day during the week and having to catch up with what’s going on with each other on the weekends.
I spent the first week in August going back and forth from work to the hospital because Dad collapsed at the doctor’s office and they couldn’t decide if his hemoglobin was low because of the lymphoma or from bleeding somewhere in his digestive system.
In September, I went to the doctor because my monthly cycles had become more of a train wreck than Miley Cyrus was this year. I thought I was premenopausal, but according to the doc, my hormone levels were normal so his suggestion was that my symptoms were due to an abnormal amount of stress.
Stress? What’s that?
October and November were okay, but 2013 struck again for the first weekend in December when The Husband’s grandmother slipped into a coma. We held vigil at my mother-in-law’s house for an extended, emotionally exhausting weekend before she passed on the 9th. Of course, whenever a loved one passes during the holidays, said days are merely a reminder of who’s missing from the festivities. Never have I felt so much relief from the holidays being over, and yet I’m overflowing with guilt over that relief at the same time.
So when you see 2013 as you drop in at midnight tonight, please tell him (for me and at least a dozen other friends and family) not to let the door hit him where the good Lord split him.
Or perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the door did give him a swift kick in the ass…
Sincerely yours (unless you follow 2013’s lead),
P.S. I managed to find some good moments from the year and have put them together in a slideshow. All photos are mine, but the music is Jazon Mraz’s “93 Million Miles.” The Husband is gonna bitch about so many photos of him in here, but oh well… He’ll get over it. Oh, and don’t go full screen with the video or else the pics will be all pixelated. I didn’t upload full resolution.